Life issues, Relationships, self

Changing for him

I dissect most of what is said or done for and to me almost all the time. As one grows older you need to realize you have to take a critical approach to how you process what goes on around you, people’s intentions and the bad situations you put yourself in.

A friend of mine introduced me to a friend of his, let’s call him Tom (I can’t remember his name). Tom turned and said to my friend, “She looks like a model; her stomach is so flat. I like her, everyone likes models,” and Tom just nodded. After a few minutes of conversing I decided to leave and as I am leaving Tom comes up to me.
“Have you ever thought of modelling? Inakufaa and you’d make easy cash,” he said with a smirk on his face, like he had just made something unknown to me known. Most people in Kenya assume all you need to be is not fat to become a model.
“Thank you…I’ll consider it.”
“But if you were to add some weight you’d look so nice…with a big butt,” he said, looking at me waiting for a response so I just nodded.
I wasn’t sure if he was just retracting his compliment, because there’s a way men react when you don’t take their compliments as they deem fit (check the link), or if that’s how he actually felt. I am writing about the latter. The type of men who tend to make women feel inadequate or need to be something they are not.

A friend of mine got dumped supposedly because she had a not so flat tummy. Her ex kept telling her that she had to lose her belly fat that did not actually look bad and she previously had no problem with. He kept implying that if she didn’t lose it he’d leave her but he himself was nowhere near fit looking. As I always say (to my mum mostly, she listens to my rumblings) the ugliest ones always think they deserve the beautiful. She tried losing it but wasn’t able to so they eventually broke up and she, for some time, had a self-image problem.

The truth of the matter is, because he knew her so well he knew that there was a great chance she would not be able to get the stomach he wanted. With such ultimatums you are basically set up for failure and trying to change yourself for guys who put you in such situations is just a waste of your precious time. There will always be something that needs to be made better about you because he just doesn’t love you. Maybe he is looking for a way to break-up with you without the guilt so he’s trying to make it your fault (because you couldn’t become what he wanted you to) or he’s trying to make putting up with you easier. Either way this is a guy who does not love you and you’d be fooling yourself if you think becoming someone else would make him love you. Love yourself and just move on.

Then there are those who see you the way you are physically, get to know you in depth and fall in love with you, feign love or believe that they actually love you but don’t. This kind of guy meets a girl who’s more to the fat side and eventually gets into a relationship with her, then out of nowhere decides she should become slim because he doesn’t like fat women. Which makes one wonder if previously he had been blind. If the girl wanted to become slim too or if she was unhealthy due to her weight that would be a different story but still not okay.

He meets a woman wearing make-up, sees her with make up a lot and then when she’s in too deep, he all of a sudden can only love “natural women”. It’s okay to ask someone to minimize the amount she uses or forgo in certain situations if she’s okay with it but telling someone to STOP is altogether different. If you love make-up use it, if you don’t then don’t use it and if you like women who use make up they are there, if you like “natural” women (because artificial ones exist) they are also there let people be themselves.

Basically if you keep changing yourself to please your partners you’ll have a hard time. Your previous partner liked slim girls so you made yourself thinner now your current partner wants you to be thick (society’s current “perfect” body type; big boobs and a big butt with a tiny impractical waist) and you want to become that too for him. What about you? Become and be what you are comfortable and happy with because you might be as slim as he wants but still get left for a fleshier woman or be as thick as he likes but still get left for the thinnest girl in town. Even if your partner really loves you, if he or she makes you feel like crap intentionally or unknowingly, it’s not worth staying in that particular situation.


4 thoughts on “Changing for him”

  1. Every woman should read this, as women/ladies we should love ourselves and the perfections and imperfections that come with being us, because we will forever be us. Lets not style up to fit a barbie profile! If you are “fat” “thin” or you look like nick mnaji, that’s alright, keep doing you baby!

    Liked by 1 person

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